June 27. Arrive in Seattle to begin the process of constructing a next-level hipster persona which will consist of me being the exact same moderately-awkward Caucasian male as before, but with several layers of imperceptible meta hipster irony added on top.
I now live with 3 women - my girlfriend and two other chicks.
Most Common Male Reactions To My Domestic Situation
1) [gratuitous foursome reference]
2) [spirited inquiry on the physical attractiveness of the roommates]
3) [bluntly-worded doubts about the future of my sexual orientation]
4) [subtle roommate-bonding suggestions along the lines of putting a Twister board in the middle of the living room]
My Ford Taurus made the successful and miraculous 2,000+ mile journey from St. Louis to Seattle, braving Yellowstone, Denver flash flooding, and through the excruciatingly flat and low-bandwith state of Kansas, only briefly shutting down once, in fucking Spokane.
Seattle Trivia: The most popular musical artist in Seattle are the Stone Temple Pilots, according to local residents.
July 25. Some thoughts on the first 28 days. 28 days is the approximate duration of a menstrual cycle, which seems appropriate given that I've been living with three chicks for the past month. An awkward living situation, to say the least. I generally just lurk quietly in the shadows, waiting for at least two chicks to leave the premises so that I may furtively move my bowels. And just try to maintain a general trollish, shadowy, elusive, wraith-like presence around the apartment.
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| At no point have I remotely approached the level of platonic intimacy that John Ritter shared with his female roommates on Three's Company. |
The Seattle climate is good for beards, as you likely have read. My own beard, fueled by unemployment and Pacific sunshine, recently reached unprecedented levels in the categories of thickness, richness, lushness, breadth, and magnificence. The effect on women, sexually, has been staggering: upon viewing my whiskers, several females with weaker constitutions reportedly felt faint and had to be revived, while others assumed the general demeanor of a rabid canine in heat.
July 10. Currently hipster ranking: unranked.
July 13. Emerged from the dark recesses of the bedroom to watch half an episode of the Bachelorette with 11 chicks, which resulted in a near-religious awakening spoiled only by the commercials.
Seattle Trivia: the most famous landmark in the city of Seattle is the Space Needle.
Have yet to watch the motion picture Sleepless In Seattle, which is considered reprehensible behavior among Seattle locals. I plan to correct this soon by watching the film alone in the dark with a single candle burning.
Current Seattle Table Tennis Record: 3 wins, 0 losses.
Current occupation: I am the statistician/videographer/scorekeeper/utility player/dude who drinks beer on the sidelines for Sleeveless in Seattle, my girlfriend's sand volleyball team, which currently sports a record of 1-6 (the one victory being potentially forfeitable due to two-thirds of our squad wearing sleeves).
July 21. Boy, that Reefer Madness really hit the nail on the head.
July 24. Moved into a new place with Cary. Instantly sold on this apartment building, as the promotional pictures on the website feature a mustachioed lothario expertly seducing a gal who's like a 7.
[Not sure what demographic they're aiming at here, but I fall in squarely into it]
[I believe this gentleman was selected precisely for his mastery in the dark arts of seduction and intrigue]
[and here he is sprinkling a little black magic on the gluten-free breakfast he cooked her in the morning].
Saw the Zac Brown Band play live at the Gorge Ampitheatre. Always have enjoyed the 8 seconds that encompass Matt Holliday's at-bat song. Turns out these are the fellas who wrote it.
Some of the benefits of unemployment that I have experienced:
1) health
2) happiness
3) well-being
4) a sort of joyousness that encapsulates every fiber of my being
5) the feeling of relief that follows a crushing weight being lifted from one's torso
6) the tendency to suddenly break into unfettered, rapturous song, like a caged bird that has been set free
Some negative aspects of unemployment:
1) lack of income
2) reluctant landlords
3) have to buy your own coffee
4) mild, intermittent pangs of guilt for being a lazy, shiftless, aimless piece of excrement
5) much more difficult to make it rain
Potential Career Moves
1) motivational rapper
2) gambler/grifter
3) school counselor
4) some sort of mascot
Our new apartment building is adjacent to a Crossfit gym. Our unit faces the open part of the Crossfit building, so the direct view out of our window is typically a Crossfit enthusiast performing an Olympic barbell lift about 15 feet away. This, of course, leads to a complexity of questions/issues/dynamics/etc. Such as we can hear them pretty clearly when the windows are open. The cacaphony of dropped barbells, mangrunts, and whatever swineful workout playlist chosen by the Crossfitters will soon become a natural part of my environment from 8:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m - just how will that affect my soul? True or False: my own personal theory that Crossfit people have some serious existential malaise. And of course I got to be real careful now about doing weird naked shit with the blinds raised - my morning and evening routines will be severely compromised.
Furthermore, as a person who spends the occasional Sunday consuming an entire pizza on the couch in his underwear, never once speaking to another human or seeing the light of day - will the self-improvement beanfest happening out the window lead to A) guilt B) amusement C) motivation D) all of the above? One thing for certain: I am going to be endlessly fascinated, amused, repulsed, inspired, etc. by these goddamn Crossfitters.
The Seattle homeless are less aggressive than their Midwestern brethren. I have successfully repelled 3 panhandlers. Casual work when hardened by the crafty pitch of an STL vagabond.
[add picture]
Joined the downtown YMCA. The elevator is lined with pictures of 1950s babes doing squats. This motivates me.
Something feels wrong about rubbing one out while Crossfit dudes are doing burpees across the way.
Really no plan for my career yet. Welcoming all suggestions. If anyone has investment capital and would be interested in funding a Ping Pong-themed bar, please contact me.
July 27. Very repulsive Crossfit playlist. "Must be a crazy WOD today," Cary says mildly.
July 30. I wonder how many Crossfit people have looked through our window today and unfavorably compared my torso to their own.
Aug 3. "No worthy jobs, living off my savings. Wonderful life"
"You should just retire. Don't make no sense going back to work"
August 4. Visited a nude beach on Lake Washington. Lovely view of the water, marred only slightly by the Kraken-like tentacles of the old man danglers in the foreground. The thing about a nude beach is, once you get past the initial shock of seeing outdoor nudity, it's really no different than a YMCA mens locker room in terms of gratuitous older male flesh. I did see a tit, at least.
August 6. Unfortunately, Sleeveless in Seattle fell in the first round of the playoffs, despite showing some late-season promise.
August 8. Never realized the fantastic amount of side boob action one receives in a heterosexual domestic living situation with one's gal. I'm on pace to hit 20 sightings this month.
August 9. Getting the hang of this Crossfit business. Just successfully crouched below the window in my underwear in order to Shazzam a tune from their WOD playlist.
August 12. Three consecutive days of stomach influenza. I believe unit 115 is now leading the building in toilet flushes for 2015. The most nauseating part was having to hear Crossfit assholes do power cleans while I was curled in the fetal position.
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| my new meta-ironic hipster look |
